Taking Responsibility - Again

I walked along the concrete, listening to the uneven chink of my spurs hitting the ground. Why does the right one always hit and drag, flopping on the back of my Double H boots, which the spur on the left boot doesnt move? After thinking about this, I was more aware of the way I was walking. I was a little locked in my left hip. I started thinking about each step, left and right, left and right. Up and down the barn aisle-way, every where I moved I reminded myself to think about my footfalls. Now I was getting even chinks and flops from the spurs. Now I was walking even.

I warmed up on Milo the next day, after coming home from a ride that was a little more on the frustrating side then the ride prior, where I felt completely in tune with my body and the ride went great. Besides the fact that each day we are more or less present in our bodies and therefore different in our riding, I wanted to know why I have such an incredible connected ride one day, and about ten steps backward the next. I knew a large part of it has to come from the continued crookedness in my body. I swiveled back and forth in the saddle, left to right, to center and repeat. I focused on the fluidity of the turn through my body. I could easily rotate to the right, but back to the left it just felt as if my left hip was not moving like the right one. I focused on my breathing, and continued rotating, left and right.

I put the reins in my left hand, with only a few inches of tail left to spare. I wanted to ride with no rein tonight. I wanted to ride through my body and show Milo where to go. We trotted around and I had fun in experimenting with how much I could turn my horse through my body alone, no leg, just the presence of my leg, switching positions as we changed directions. Moreso, however, was the focus in my body how I could lift Milo, turn his direction, arc, or go straight.

I tried not to overthink the lope departure, carefully loading the outside hock, and just that small cue led Milo to anticipate the lead change, his head rising into the air and his back tensing. We went back to quiet trotting before he could pick up his pace, and worked on loading the hock, then back to quiet trotting, loading, and repeat, until finally I just turned my hips and smooched him into the lope. Already he was diving his shoulder in the rapid corners, and loping with his shoulder leading. I instinctually picked up on the reins, but upon realizing it, led the reins out more, just keeping a contact on the outside rein, where I could half halt to keep his hock on the ground and make him keep his shoulder up.

We loped, and loped, and loped. We loped a lot longer than we normally do. I didnt ask for circles, or direction, just loping on a quiet but cuing rein, and focusing on my body. I tried to focus on my breathing, and letting out tension in my lower back, but not allowing my seat to pump. I half halted where needed to keep Milo's shoulders in line, and maintained a nice arc to my hips to encourage a subtle bend in Milo's body. Eventually, after I was getting a stitch in my side, Milo consistently loped even, more lifted, and straight. I was finally able to find a small part of my body that rode my horse correctly at the lope. It wasnt perfect, but I felt we were onto something.

For all the lope work we had a lot of walking to do so cool out in the chilly evening, but as I asked my horse to turnaround, he sank back over his hock and turned around, not fast, but strong and correct. From just the day before where I could hear the skid of his hoof in the dirt as he dragged it back in the turn (not holding it down in the same spot for the whole turn, imagine a quarter turn, then a drag step back, quarter turn, drag step back), to tonight where he held it strong and true - both directions - I really felt I was onto something here, really trying to get into my body when riding. Because what Milo does in his body, right or wrong, comes form me. To correct Milo, I need to correct me.

Sigh. Sounds like more work.

A Bit of Bad News...

So my friend Clara, who owns Major and I have posted lots of blogs with her in them, feeds at the barn on the weekend evenings. I got a phone call from her after my 9:30 shift Wednesday evening saying that Milo double barrel kicked her. So immediately I called her to get the details. Apparently, she wasnt sure how Milo and Chica were getting along, so decided to feed him on the fence so they werent in close proximity to each other for feeding. Although I have been told that they are getting along well (and even sharing the same grain bucket) for feeding time, Clara wasnt sure. I guess they ate their food just fine, but Milo had dragged the bucket into the pasture so she couldnt reach it from outside the fence. Not thinking anything of it, Clara went into his pasture to retrieve it. Bucket in hand, she returned back to the gate. I guess that is when Milo made his move.

He rammed his butt right up into her and nearly pinned her against the fence, double barrel kicking out all the while. While not landing a blow due to the close proximity, somehow Clara lost her footing and went down. She said she feared he would double around and pretty much maul her, but I guess he just resumed his kicking. With quick thinking, Clara got to her feet and launched the grain bucket at him making him back off just slightly, but allowing enough time for Jake's owner to hand her a longe whip through the fence. To which Clara went after him with.

Fortunately, Clara knows how I handle Milo and how to gain his respect. She very clearly let him know that his behavior was absolutely not acceptable, and got him backing away from her respectfully and yielding his hindquarters away each direction. I am most pleased that she did this so he immediately would know his behavior was unacceptable. And better yet, she was not hurt.

But this brings me back to this topic that seems to be haunting us and the talk of the barn lately. Its the hot topic that Milo is food aggressive, although Clara felt a different take on her account with him. She suggested that he is more territorial aggressive/dominant. But the food just ads to his dominance. While still unacceptable, its an interesting thought. I have been told by numerous people that he can get into their face/space if they enter his pasture, or take out another horse from it.

Fortunately, Chica's owner, Brittany, has not had any issues with Milo and I hope it remains that way. And I dont have any problems with him. But how can we make it totally clear to this little momma's-boy that he must respect anyone that interacts with him? It isnt necessarily fair or right for everyone to have to have a one-on-one session with him. Its just not possible. I cant do anything but be frustrated over the situation and throw my hands into the air. I am at a loss.

Popped Balls, Abscesses, Behaviors...Oh My!!

I had a couple of great rides this week. Being aware of my balance with my hips has been hugely beneficial, and as suggested from Sarah in the last lesson, I have been testing Milo with dropping the inside rein and seeing if he remains straight in self carriage, or needs help. He has been doing well.

I have also been putting sunscreen on him and although most of this week we havent seen harsh rays, I put it on anyways as a preventative measure in case some sunshine does come, then Milo wont have to suffer a burnt little pink nose. When we do have harsh direct rays, he gets his beat up Cashel fly mask with the drop nose and ears (although theres a hole in one so his ear always pops through), to not only combat flies, but to protect the pink skin around his blue eye. Milo hates the sunscreen but has learned to put up with it. His new nickname from my favorite feeder is "Coppertone" because he seems to always smell like it. I think it's suiting anyways because he is a copper tone. :)

In case you are wondering about the ball, it arrived last week. I was disappointed that it wasnt as large as I was anticipating, but we inflated it at home, and on a Friday I brought it out for Milo. Jake had been taken into the arena and so Milo was distracted by the loss of his friend. I threw the ball into the pasture for Milo, who completely ignored it. But by the next morning when we arrived with the trailer for our lesson, it was deflated and limp near the apple tree. It didnt even last a whole 24 hours! But, after retrieving it, we saw that the plastic was quite thin and wasnt that durable. What a waste of $12! Now I am on the hunt again for something to replace it. I have seen the Equine Soccer Balls (or, EquiSpirit), and I think he would love one, but I am not in love with the $98 price tag. I have seen some balls with ropes attached off of them, but none in a soft material, all hard. I dont want him tossing around a solid plastic ball and wacking himself with it, or worse, breaking it into a million pieces.

So I'm not sure yet what to do about a replacement toy.

Yesterday I helped my friend feed all of the horses. I was eager to help her finish quickly so we could ride, and being as it was Thursday, there were no lessons, and the boarders who were riding would be done by the time we were finished. We walked the buckets down to the pastures where Milo is at, and fed the horses. I went to grab a flake of hay from one of the hay shelters, and all of a sudden something really hurt on my arm. At first I thought it was the hay poking me, but suddenly it hurt really bad. I screamed and dropped the hay, Clara looked at me bewildered. I saw a damned black and yellow fuzzy thing on my arm and I instantly wacked the evil thing off of me. Damned bee stung me!! I could see the skin around the sting-site start kind of "bubbling" into little dots, and the point of sting turned red and a few drops of blood came out. I wasnt too concerned because I had been stung before when I was a child and had no complication. So I merely gritted my teeth and finished feeding the horses in the main barn. My arm bothered me the rest of the night, but never swelled up thank goodness. It's still sore if it touches something, but there's only a small red dot on my arm now. I am concerned, however, because as I went to close the hay storage, I saw three more bees flying around it. I certainly hope there isn't a nest forming there. I dont want anyone else stung and I certainly don't want my horse stung. I will have to remember to address the issue with the BO.

Bee sting over, I decided to lead Milo up to the barn then so I wouldnt have to walk back down and retrieve him later. Clara was with me and she was looking hard at Milo's feet as I led him out. I became embarrassed knowing Milo's feet need to be trimmed (farrier scheduled for this afternoon), but suddenly she said "Um, Milo is lame". WHAT?!?! Cars were wanting out of the driveway, so we quickly got him out of the way and waited for them to pass. I had her lead him a few steps and sure enough he was bearing weight on the toe of his left hind hoof. He was walking in his classic "I've got an abscess" manner, and I sighed knowing what we were in for. I led him to the barn to soak him. He wasnt three-legged lame and was leading fine, so I didnt feel like I was torturing him.

As I soaked him with Apple Cider Vinegar (no small feat - a flare on his hoof that needs corrected from the farrier resulted in his hoof not fitting the loaner easy-boot, and he wouldn't keep his foot in a pan, so I had to hold a soaked paper towel wad against his hoof for twenty minutes, re-soaking as needed), I called the farrier to confirm our appointment for the next day. I cited that Milo was lame and it appeared to be an abscess, and he agreed that the ACV soak was a good idea, and he would see what he could do when he saw me on Friday. I hope he might be able to dig it out. At least a solid trim (if Milo can, being as he will have to bear a substantial amount of weight onto that hoof) should allow him to fit into the boot.

So this brings to mind the fact that my horse, it seems, gets abscesses every six months or so. What gives? This was the same hoof as last time too. I will ask my farrier what he thinks might be triggering these bi-yearly episodes. But in the meantime, I want to explore preventative options available, and invest in my own easy-boot. I have also heard some good things about the Animalintex Poultice Pads for abscesses, anyone heard anything about these? And finally, I want to invest in a Rider's Rasp not only because I have wanted one to help with the superficial cracks that form before the farrier arrive (he has a bad one right now where the flare split on that abscess hoof - I wonder if that crack is what allowed bacteria to get behind the hoof wall), but I have heard great things about them and it seems a good preventative measure, not only against abscesses.

So finally on the list of things to update about, I was told last night by Jake's owner that Milo came after her the day prior. Literally, with ears back, charging and terrible attitude. He had tried this in the past with her and I figured that he needed to know she was boss (this is the typical case with any of my friends who need to smack him on the nose a few times for him to figure out he cant bite). I advised her when they first got put in together, to enter the pasture with a longe whip, and not be afraid to use it if necessary, and soon Milo will learn not to mess with her. Things seemed to be going well this past winter, but then she told me last night about this last episode. She said she was so nervous she ended up just leaving for the day. Well, thats not good. As we tried to figure out what his deal was, she told me that she usually gives him alfalfa pellets before entering the pasture to distract him as she takes Jake out.

Woah, that is a HUGE no-no.

Firstly, you don't feed my horse anything without my permission. Let alone alfalfa pellets!!!

Second, if there is an issue of dominance with Milo and her, all she is doing is succumbing to his dominance by rewarding him with his behavior, and ignoring the problem at hand. I know personally when I first bought Milo he had food aggression. I am not surprised to hear that he would pull this crap with someone else who has been giving him food on a regular basis. That, however, doesnt excuse his behavior which is absolutely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, there isnt a whole lot I can do, because, well, we addressed those issues of dominance four years ago when I bought him. And Jake's owner is so kind and nice, she kept saying she would feel terrible hitting him with the longe whip it needed. I am afraid for her, who I know will never display any real dominance over Milo is she keeps avoiding the issue. I suggested that if we need to, I am OK with splitting them up so she doesnt have to deal with him.

This whole situation makes me really sad. Sad because it makes me feel like I have a rank and mean horse, when I know that Milo is the most sweet and cuddly horse I have ever known. But I do know that he was a handful when I first got him, and I find it sad that other people have to deal with that before he learns that they are the boss. My friend Clara said "well he's just a momma's-boy", and that might be. He was really only handled by me when I got him, and as he gained more knowledge undersaddle, I started letting other people get on him. He would throw little hissy-fits, but the competent riders would get him through it and he would get over himself. I'm not sure what I can do about the situation because it is between Jake's owner and Milo. I can't just tell him to be nice to her, she has to display her dominance over him, and as I said, I'm afraid she will never be able to do that, shes just not that kind of person.

So, what is the solution? I am not sure. But the current state of things is not acceptable.

Corey's Day on the Farm

I might not be riding on the rodeo drill team anymore, but that doesnt mean I can't still believe in it's wonderful beneficiaries. Monday and Tuesday marked the annual Corey's Day on the Farm. The Corey family has been dedicating their time, money, and nearly life to put on this two day event at our local Fairgrounds. The event if for special needs children to experience "A Day on the Farm" and enjoy the "Cowboy Ways" through tractor rides, ropings, petting farms, and the huge highlight; horseback rides. Naturally, I always volunteer for the horse event and although I dont bring my own horse to the event, there is always a need for many side walkers.

As a side walker, I get to not only ensure that the children stay steady in the saddle, but I also get to talk with them and either keep them calm, or just enjoy some upbeat chitter chatter. This was my fourth year in attendance, and although job hunting kept me away on Monday, I was there bright and early for Tuesday's events.

Many of the Cowgirls were there with and without their horses, and it was nice to see them and catch up a bit as well. Soon the bus-loads of eager children arrived, and the lines for the horseback riding stretched long. I got to hold onto and talk with many children, but every year there are a special few who I leave the day remembering for the rest of the year. Usually they are of some special circumstance - scared to get on the horse, or needing to be ridden double with, to which we always experience the ripe rewards of seeing after only a few minutes walking around the pen bring a broad smile and cry of joy. Those experiences really are amazing. But yesterday it was the cheerful and chattering children riding the big horses. One was Conner who made my day with his bright smiles, confidence, and upbeat attitude. Conner first got on my Cowgirl's friend's horse Skip, and he chattered and smiled saying how he loved to ride, reaching down and patting Skip's shoulder with enthusiasm. About an hour later, he had waited through the long line again, and was now on another friend's horse, chipper and cheerful even more.

There were a few more children who brightened my day, one who exclaimed that the horse's movement was "so pumpy...and bumpy..." which made me laugh out loud. Another rode a tobiano paint horse, but pointed over to an overo walking by saying "I named that one Spot. Spot is my favorite I've ridden him twice. This horse is nice, but Spot has three white spots on him [his wither] and thats why I named him Spot". Many of the kids would get very excited riding the horses, pumping their arms confidently into the air yelling "YeeHaw!" or "Giddy-up!", and getting very excited when seeing one of their classmates on another horse.

There were confident ones, chatting ones, ones that made you laugh out loud and bring a true smile on your face. There were others who needed some talking to while they rode, but always ended the ride with a smile or sometimes a confident pat on the horse's neck. There were some who were too scared to ride the big horses but instead pat or rode the smaller ponies. No matter which child however, it still brought happiness over myself, and for that day I wasnt concerned about the happenings in my own life, but instead was focusing on the happiness in others. Corey's Day on the Farm will stay with me throughout the year, until next year comes around where we can participate in it again.

Life's Changes...

Thursday morning began as usual - up at 5:10; shower, leave to work for the day. Get to work at 6:30, clean office for first hour. Make cup of coffee, sit down at desk and check e-mails. Supervisor comes in, and gets to work. I begin printing Payroll Reports from this last week's ended payroll cycle. Its about 8:00 when I see my boss, the CFO has arrived. Supervisor goes upstairs to his office, normal. I find it funny that no other co-workers are here yet, but continue printing reports. Half an hour later, CFO and Supervisor come in the door. I said hello to CFO, whom I hadnt seen in a few weeks due to unforeseen family issues. He doesnt meet my chipper morning offering, but asked to see me in the conference room. I was informed my employment had been terminated, and a brief letter was slid across the table into my hands. I read the letter, but the blood had drained from my head, arms and legs. I began to shake. I didnt comprehend what I was reading. In a daze, I sat back at my desk and finished printing the reports. Soon I was met by the Supervisor again asking when I was leaving. "After these reports are finished" I replied. "You know, I've done this before, and usually when someone's employment is terminated they dont go back to work." "I know," I responded, "but the reports are almost done, and it helps me process...unless I'm not aloud to anymore!" I quickly added, realizing maybe they were now concerned about the sensitive information I was processing.

I packed up my belongings, filling my schoolbag and purse to their limits. "Mhmm, by now" the Supervisor said as he closed the door on my heels. The blood was still missing from my limbs and brain as I walked across the street to my truck, and loaded my contents into it. All I could think of was telling Boyfriend what happened, and going next door to the police department where his Mother works.

I waited for her to see me, and began to cry in the waiting room. The sharp realization hit me, and it hit me hard. She swung the door open and the cheerful smile on her face vanished quickly as she saw I was distraught. I told her everything, and she helped me apply for unemployment online, and said she would let me know if anything opened up within the City. Boyfriend was texting me rapid-fire, wanting me to call him. I would as soon as I caught my brain again.

I went to the bank to cash my final check. Tears welling in my eyes again. I drove in silence to the barn, and finally was able to talk to Boyfriend as I groomed Milo in the cross ties.

I was absolutely blindsided by this. I had never received any negative feedback from either the CFO or Supervisor. I had just been sent to a User Group Meeting just three weeks prior to be prepared for this summer's benefits enrollment for our contracted employees. July was coming up with reviews and promotions. CFO knew intricate details on the financial burdens both Boyfriend and I were facing. He knew about Boyfriend's job ending in a matter of months, weeks, or days, as the company he works for is deciding to close. He knows that I needed to get a loan for a new vehicle, as my F150 is on its last legs at 220,000 miles. He knew that I had just started going back to school, and promised ripe rewards at work after attaining my degree. The company is a family owned business, who stated that they held employee's happiness and welfare above all. Why was I not seeing this now?

I tried to calm down, and I looked into my horse's big soft eyes. He knew I was hurting. I thought it might be ludicrous to try and ride in my emotionally unstable position, but I tacked him up and led him to the arena. I wanted to try some of the new exercises I had read about in Peggy's book. On the ground, I incorporated cheek press, cheek delineation, caterpillars, and shoulder delineation. Milo was relaxing, and I was in a neutral posture. I was focusing on myself and my horse and for the entire time I was with Milo, the crisis that just happened in my life had slipped from my memory. I had a wonderful ride.

I cleaned the pastures, not sure when I would be at the barn again. With Milo boarded 45 minutes away from my house, it makes it hard to visit when I need to consolidate my gas now. All this extra time on my hands now, and I cant even spend it with my horse.

After getting home and updating my resume and cover letter, I cranked out seven applications that evening, and learned of a walk-in resume acceptance happening on Monday at one location. Guess I know what Im doing Monday at least. This morning, I applied to three more locations, and am still on the hunt. I took a break and took Angie to the lake down the road, trying to enjoy the solidity of the quiet park, as I watched the waves of the lake slowly lap on the sand. I zoned out for a little while. Soon it started to rain, so we made our way back home.

I checked the mailbox this afternoon to find a large package with a return address of my old job's PO Box. I didnt want to open it. But inside where some of the belonging I had forgotten there - a calendar with photos featuring Milo I had on the wall behind my desk, bringing my favorite thing in the world to the office with me every day. I had also left a State Line Tack catalog, earphones, and my copies of my employee paperwork. Seeing the company's logo on the folder made me ache inside, and I hid them behind the calendar.

But where things end, others begin. In the mail I also received an envelope from the College. In it was a letter depicting a congratulatory message that I was being awarded a scholarship for next year's classes. That did put a smile on my face.

I just need to put one foot in front of the other now, and believe that I can change my life again. This can only be for the better. I now have over a year of experience in a field I had not yet explored. I met a lot of important people involved with contracts here locally, and even found one that was hiring. If I think I can, I can make it happen. I have to stay positive, and believe that I can control my future.

A New Schedule

This, so far, has been an interesting and different week. Yes, I started back up again with the college. Heres some history:

I was involved in the "Running Start" program through the High School that enabled Juniors and Seniors to attend the community college while still finishing up for their diploma. Some students, if lucky and worked hard, could even graudate High School with their Associates Degree in hand, hence the name of the program giving them a "running start". I only joined this program in my senior year as a half time student, so that option wasnt available. However, I did take advantage of the "free" college tuition while I could (the High School paid). I ended my High School career with roughly twenty college credits.

I had been applying for scholarships and financial aid like mad for the upcoming "sophomore" year at the college. I had been awarded generously by two scholarships: one from the local Rotary Club, and another from the college's Foundation Program. I was able to take another half time year, basically free of charge to myself. In this year, however, I went from a part time job to a full time job, and had a hard time balancing my time and schedule. For the first time in my academic life, my grades were suffering. A graduate of high school with a GPA of 3.5 and making the honor roll, this felt like a huge failure to my perfectionist self.

With my scholarship funds depleted, my desire to not take out a huge student loan I would be paying off the rest of my life, and only 38 credits counting towards the required 90 for the degree, I all but gave up.

I instead focused on my full time job, and of course, my horse.

Its been a good ride now. After nearly three years in the retail and western clothing industry, I finally landed a higher paying job with the company I work for now, as an Administrative Assistant. It isnt my dream job by far, as this is the company's accounting office and my brain does not work in numbers. However, it pays the bills and will help my work experience grow on my resume when the time comes to get a new job. It was grossly apparent, however, when I was searching for a new job just over a year ago now, how imperative a college degree really is. My boss even told me just having that diploma would be reaping me far more money every hour.

Thats kind of hard to hear.

So its with a big sigh and a somewhat level of motivation, to go back to school. My company provides a kind tuition reimbursement program for employees attending school and classes in a way that will better their jobs within the company. Administrative positions reap some amount, while supervisors and managers take more. I fall into the first of course. So that allowed me to go back to school this spring quarter, until I get retroed the money from the college's financial aid program, although I dont suspect it will be too much.

Af far as the coming quarters, Im not positive how they will be paid, as I dont know how much the college is willing to provide each quarter. Im assuming not enough to cover full tuition costs. They do offer a STEP program, where basically you can pay X amount weekly and have it paid off by the end of the quarter - this is the route my twin sister is taking towards paying for her degree. I might just have to step on that bandwagon, I certainly will before taking out a loan.

What does this mean for Milo?

Well, my schedule has changed of course. While I still work the Mon-Fri 40 hour week job, it means some of my Milo time is being pushed aside to make room for evening classes. I scheduled for a class Monday and Wednesday nights, two typical nights I would spend at the barn, and an online class. Not ok with the notion of only getting to ride my horse three times a week (I know, I know, many of you probably can only make room for that much and I should consider myself lucky) I found a way to still make it out there four times a week (plus weekends as I can manage them, ie horse shows, etc), and its not through riding after school.

My boss has been super nice in letting me change my schedule around to meet my horse needs. Fridays for instance he lets me come in early and get off early to accomodate for my weekly pasture cleaning. Now, I offered him the idea of me starting work an hour early, providing for a two hour lunch, and still finishing work at the desired time (phone coverage is imperative), then riding afterwards. This will be on Mondays only. He was fine with the idea and said I could start the new schedule next week.

So, I can ride Monday afternoons (added bonus: less lessons in the daytime), Tuesday evenings, not Wednesdays as thats a school evening, then Thursday and Friday. Im pretty pleased with the schedule, and feel that two hours on lunch break alots for a good ride. I just cant mosey around as much as I normally do. I dont like riding on a time constraint, but even if this only allows me to groom and longe my horse, Im all for the additional day of Milo-time.

I do this all for you, Milo. All for you.